You want to know what kills me??

Every time I log on to my daughter's donor group and someone else is pregnant again! Or even trying again. However, everybody that has tried has become successful BUT me. It makes my heart split in two. I HATE IT! I hate everything about it. I can feel my heart ripping in half. Why them? Why are they able to do it? What is wrong with Sue and I?

When we went to the psychic she also said I will never physically carry my own child again. She saw an Asian adoption in my future. I don't want to adopt a freakin' Asian kid. I WANT MY OWN!! For fucking crying out loud! How the hell did I get Jadyn so easy? This shit is for the god damn birds! ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Psychics

Yesterday our friend, Lisa, had a psychic party at her house. The lady's name was Terrot by Terry. She was a pretty nice lady. Now, I know some people believe they are evil or a waste of money or whatever it is you want to think they are. I do it for pure entertainment purposes. I think it is very entertaining and interesting. She almost right away asked me who "Ricky" or "Richard" is. Richie is a friend of mine who passed when we were teengers. He was 16 and I was 17 when he was taken from the world. We were like brother and sister. Our houses were pretty much in each others backyards. One day after a high school dance Richie went sled riding with a bunch of friends. They were actually sled riding down a road ( which is a very normal thing where we grew up). A toboggan had went down the hill first. Rich and his friend then went down on a saucer sled. Little did they know the toboggan had wrecked. Richie and his buddy hit the sled full force. That was it....... It ruptured Richie's aorta. The end. Just like that he was gone :-( It was a very very very hard time in my life. I had a very hard time with it. I couldn't believe my "brother" was gone. I am still in disbelief sometimes and that was about 15 years ago.

Terry then asked me about my grandpa that just passed. She also knew that Sue and I are relocating. She also pointed out the main road we ae going to be near when we move. So, the question is "Did Terry WOW me?" No, not really. " Do I believe in psychics?" I don't know. " Did I have fun with it?" I did!! I would do it again too!!!!!

Am I getting ANYWHERE???

Today I cleaned out my bedroom. There are still some minor things to do in there but not a whole lot. It seems like the more I do the messier everything gets. Perhaps that is because it really is? I do tend to migrate things to other rooms. Also, my little tornado takes advantage of me being busy and she turns into an F5. I also started Jadyn's play room a few days ago. The give away pile is MUCH bigger than he keep pile....lol I am going to donate all of her stuffed animals we are not keeping to the SPCA. I am also going to give them any old baby blankets or towels I find. I am now looking for a place I can donate used toys. I don't want to do the Salvation Army or Goodwill because they turn around and sell them. I want them GIVEN to needy children. Besides, I avoid Salvation Army at all costs. They are not supportive of Gays.
Then, there is Jadyn's books......oof........ that will take ten years...........

I'm tired

I am already tired and we haven't even started moving yet. Just the thought of it makes me want to lay down and bang my head on the floor. I HATE moving! Hate it Hate it! I would rather scrub bathroom floors all day long on my hands and knees. I would probably rather cut one of my own fingers off.
I have started going through Jadyn's clothes and sorting out what I absolutely want to keep. Why I even want to keep anything is beyond me. I want to keep all of her first holiday outfits. Plus, there are just some damn cute outfits I LOVED of hers that I just can't see giving away. I am selling a load of her gymboree stuff on ebay. My username is sugarcreekquiltsandcrafts. I am only listing winter stuff right now. I will probably start listing her summer stuff from the past 2 years arounf February. I also have LOTS of Old navy, childrens place, gap etc etc that I am selling on ebay. I still have to take photos of that stuff.
We still have until the end of the month to get out of this apartment but I just don't know where to start. It's crazy!

Moving, Moving, Moving........

That's what I said. Yes. We are moving. We found a 2 bedroom house for rent out in the country. Well, I don't know if it is country country, but we will be on a few acres of land :-) There are some houses behind us but the guy right behind us has a huge fence up so, we won't see each other anyway...... YAAAYYYYYY!!
I am a little nervous though because we have already established life where we are. We have been here almost 6 years. The house we are moving to is smaller than our apartment but it is much nicer and have I mentioned all of the LAND??? My dogs will have room to play and my kid will have room to play. So, what is better? A small house with a HUGE yard that is all ours? Where my kid can have outside toys all over and nobody will care. Or a larger apartment where my kid barely gets to go outside to play? I'm going for the house!! So, here we go to downsizing. That's not goig to be a simple task....lol Jadyn has enough toys to fill our new little house. I think some of them may discover outdoor living....haha!!

Buh-Bye Follistim and Menopur

I just got rid of my fertility drugs that I had left over. Am I done?? Probably! I am very sad but I cannot keep putting all of my time, energy and money in to this. Am I at peace with my decision? NO! This isn't what I want to do but I have to. I want to keep trying again and again and again. I, however, am not the richest person in the world. We may adopt, we may try some more IUI's without medication. I don't know what the future holds. I do know my immediate future has other things to do right now.

Happy Hump Day

Why is it I feel like I have done nothing over the past week but I still have no time to do anything? I guess I will never know.........

So, I have been reading a book called Conversations with God. Quite interesting I might say. From what I see this IS the God I want to know. He says there is no "wrong or right" way to live. He didn't create us to send us to hell. It is a very deep book. I wouldn't recommend reading it while you are sleepy. It just seems more confusing that way......lol

Over the past weekend we went to my mom's house for the day on Sunday. Every year there is an apple festival. They have a long line of tents full of crafts people are selling. Of course, you want to stop and buy everything you see. At the end of the crafts they have a big open area. There you can buy fresh pies, cider, bags of apples, candy apples, homemade goods and anything else made out of apples. There is also a civil war reenactment. There is a guy that stands at a table with bloody amputated limbs. Every year I am intrigued to go to the table to see the limbs.....lol I don't know why, it's not like they are real.....lol

Jadyn ended up getting a bag of cotton candy, a toy that has flaps and when you push it the little flaps make a smacking sound on the ground and a water balloon yoyo. She also had her face painted like a pink and purple butterfly. Between 4 of us we split nachos and a Bloomin' Onion. We still couldn't finish all of it. It was a great day!!